 One day, I wanted to have a long walk before going home. I thought it would be helpful to recharge my energy even though I was carrying two big bags. I could not recall whether I had something on my mind or I was lost in thought. I was robotically crossing one traffic light after another. There were a lot of things happening around me, but I numbed my senses to them. I embraced myself in the bubble of daydreams and passing thoughts. When I passed the 42nd street Port Authority, it was crowded with people. I sensed that there was a child walking toward my direction with his/her family. I didn't pay attention of his/her face. I just knew they were so close that my bag on my right shoulder could bump into the child at one point. So, I turned my hip swiftly to make room for the child to pass by. Then, I heard a woman screaming:" Oh my god!" I thought it could be another "normal", dramatic moment that people have encountered every day in New York City. So, I ignored what I heard and kept walking. After walking a block away from the Port Authority, I noticed a man from behind called to me :"Excuse me! Excuse me!". I pretended not to hear it at first as I thought he might want money or something. After he insisted on having my attention, I stopped and looked at him. I was a bit concerned that something unpleasant would happen. The man told me that my bag hit his son. His son fell down and cried. The father did not show anger, but he was urging me to apologize to his son. I realized the moment that I heard the scream was probably the mother crying for the child. I didn't know whether I really knocked the child down or not, but I believed what the father said. I explained my unintentional act and apologized to him. The father satisfied with my apology and walked back to his family. It was a relief that nothing dramatic happened.
Although I didn't feel good about what I did, the sense of guilt didn't stick with me long either. It was because I didn't have the memory of the incident. However, I believed the father said the truth. Did I really hurt the child? If I did, am I a bad person? Should I blame myself not being mindful of my actions? Should the parents have the responsibility as well to keep their child safe? Should I hold New York City accountable for desensitizing me to people around me? Or, should I be thankful that the father just came to me for an apology instead of revenge? I let the questions sit with my thoughts. I realized how much we habitually and sometimes chronically see things the way that we want to see rather than to see them as they are. It reminded me one of the Zen masters, Shunryu Szuzuki. In his book, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, he said: "The true purpose of Zen is seeing things as they are, to observe things as they are, and to let everything go as it goes. This is to put everything under control in its widest sense. Zen practice is to open up our small mind." I am not sure if my small mind has been opened yet, but I am reminded to be aware, to see the world around me as it is, and to learn how to stand in someone's shoes.
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